Abusers (#1)

Abusers are unhealthy people that take pleasure in dominating and/or hurting others. For whatever reason, this is the person they have developed into.

Yes, there may be a nice person lost deep inside, but they will do whatever they can to keep that person suppressed. The odds are EXTREMELY high that by befriending them, you are NOT going to get that personality to rise to the surface and become dominant. In other words, YOU are not going to rehabilitate that person by being their friend. You are most likely going to get hurt. And, if you have been hurt badly in your past, I can almost GUARANTEE that you will get hurt, as well as get drawn into a twisted, dysfunctional relationship where the ‘nice person deep inside’ rises to the surface just often enough to keep you coming back for more abuse.

We MUST learn to evaluate people, and to evaluate them the way the Bible tells us: by their fruit (actions), not by their words.

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Abusers (#2)

If you have a history of abuse, you likely complain about two things:

1. You keep picking the wrong guys (people)
2. Nice guys (people) don’t want you

I’m going to clue you in on something, and I want you to pray about it. I also want you to read it several times, until it really sinks in . . .

Abusers do not know how to have relationships with healthy people. The only people they know how to interact with are victims. Therefore, they watch carefully to see who they might be able to ‘get along’ with. (Remember, an abuser derives PLEASURE from an abusive relationship–to him it’s all good. The VICTIM derives pain and confusion.)

So, the abuser scopes out women to find someone he feels compatible with . . . someone he can dominate and/or abuse.

Victim, you are like a little lamb. Little lambs hide from danger . . . but sadly, victims don’t. What’s worse, you advertise yourself as a victim, even though you don’t mean to do that, and don’t realize it’s what you’re doing.
Here is how you do it–and this is what leads to both of the problems (1 & 2, above) that you have:

Victims give the new acquaintance (abuser) trust that he doesn’t deserve. They do this by opening up and revealing, to the abuser, that they have been hurt before. Then, they try to get him to promise that HE won’t hurt them.

STOP DOING THIS!! This is where the problem lies.

You’ve heard of poker, right? You know you don’t reveal your cards to the other players, right? You know you be very careful, by your words and body language, not to reveal what’s in your hand, right? THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST DO WITH STRANGERS!! . . . no matter how comfortable you might feel around them.

This is exactly what ABUSERS do, to make YOU feel comfortable–they keep their cards close to their chest. Even worse, they put on lamb’s wool and behave meekly around you. They may even lead you to believe that THEY are a victim.

(In this ruse, the victim often sees and senses the danger, but instead of hiding, they put on a brave face and talk with the abuser. They try to draw out the ‘nice person hiding deep within them’ and try to convince the abuser that they (the victim!!) are a safe person that the abuser can trust.)

Regardless of your initial impression, if you are someone who has been abused, DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN WITH A PERSON UNTIL YOU HAVE KNOWN THEM QUITE AWHILE.

First impressions, especially the first impressions that a victim has, are often WRONG–especially when you are dealing with an ABUSER who is purposely misrepresenting himself as someone safe, which they usually do. Therefore, you need to be around a person for awhile, keep on your poker face, and watch and evaluate them carefully, to see who they REALLY are, before revealing personal things to them.

Now, let me tell you WHY you have these two problems.

1. You keep picking the wrong guys

You are picking the wrong guys because you open up to strangers that you have just met, and you tell them that you have been hurt or abused. Or you IMPLY it, by saying telling things like ‘I don’t like guys that play games’, ‘I have a very tender heart’, ‘I don’t want to get hurt’, etc., etc.

Abusers LOVE these kind of revelations, because it means they’ve got you on the hook. All they have to do is reel you in. And so they LIE. Yes, they deliberately LIE and tell you whatever it is you want to hear. They will promise you, all day long, that they will NEVER hurt you. (Then later, when they virtually destroy you, you are mystified as to what you might have done to cause them to break their promise. NOTHING!! You did nothing!! They lied!!)

You keep picking these guys because they GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to make you feel safe, comfortable, and loved–and you fall for it. They will go to great lengths to win you over, because they are trying to compensate for having a lot of meanness and cruelty on the inside. They almost always OVERcompensate though–which means they can seem like the nicest guy in the room. You feel flattered that such a nice guy would be paying attention to you.

2. Nice guys (people) don’t want you

Actually, this isn’t completely true. There probably ARE nice guys that want you or are attracted to you, but you SCARE THEM AWAY when you start telling them about how you’ve been hurt before, and trying to gain their reassurance that they too won’t hurt you.

Here’s the thing . . . any nice, honest person is well aware that they are not perfect, and that they MIGHT hurt you, although not on purpose. A nice, honest person does not want to add to your pain, and they know that (unintentionally) they might. After you’ve made such revelations to them, they see you as emotionally fragile and easily hurt, and so they back away.

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The very behavior that draws abusers TO you, pushes nice guys AWAY from you. And the irony is, the nice guys DO like you, and would NOT want to deliberately hurt you . . . but the abuser won’t hesitate to lie and make false promises, so HE is the one you choose!

Contrary to your fears, there is nothing inherently WRONG with you. You have just developed a behavior pattern that is dangerous and self-defeating. You do not DESERVE abuse, and it is NOT true that no one nice will ever love you. However, if you do not change this behavior, nice guys will only be able to love you from afar.

Obey Jesus . . . know them, discern them, by their fruits.

To recap:

Nice guys will RARELY promise not to hurt you, because they don’t want to LIE to you. They don’t want to make a promise to you, and then betray your trust or hurt you further by doing something unintentional, or because you are fragile and easily hurt.

Abusers however, will tell you EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO HEAR. They will promise you everything you long for, and they won’t mean one word of it. They have no intention of putting even ONE OUNCE of effort into keeping their word. You, my dear, are a tasty lamb and they are a hungry wolf. They are going to do what comes natural . . . so: BEWARE!!

 

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